When I started this journey four years ago, I was in a place where I had barely begun to believe I was worth the effort it took to pursue whole healing. I knew enough in my head to know I was worth it and knew that at the very least I had to act on that until my heart began to believe too.
Alana asked me to write about how my thoughts and beliefs about myself have changed over the last 6-9 months. Well, A LOT has changed. During this time, hope has been renewed. I found a trainer who knew how to keep my body moving. I no longer had to think about planning the program, all I had to do was follow a plan that was created for my body and watch what happened.
During the last 11 months, I have lost 100+ lbs. My world was rocked the day I realized I was down this much weight. In many ways, I took a tumble as I worked to wrap my head around a 3 digit number that equated to a whole person being shed off my body in such a short period of time. You see, my eyes had not caught up to reality yet. When I looked in the mirror, I still saw my old self. I still saw a 300+ lbs woman and I felt lost in my body as I worked overtime to see in the mirror what others saw when they looked at me.
While still reeling from this massive realization, I also dared to let myself become interested in a man who just happened to be interested back, and we started dating. Given my history with sexual abuse and the fact that I used my weight as a self-protection and a means to keep men at bay, this was scary and new to me. I have never been in a relationship and had no idea what to expect or what to do…and I was terrified.
And I was ready.
You see, sometime during this past year, while working with Leif Anderson Fitness and losing all this weight, something was shifting in me without me being aware of it. I was gaining confidence. I was realizing my beauty. I was growing bolder and more courageous. I was coming into my own. I had somehow settled into my worth all while being unaware of this process taking place until one day I looked at a photo of myself and asked out loud,
“Who is that beautiful, confident, sexy looking woman in that picture?” …then I realized, it was me.
This road has been long and it feels good to be in a place where I can see the end in sight. I still have about another 100 lbs to lose. I say about because I have never been less than 200 lbs since I was in junior high. I don’t know what 165 lbs will look like on this frame or where I will decide to end the weight loss phase. It feels good to be in such a healthy place where I can date a man and not be freaked out that he might be looking at me. When he tells me I am beautiful, I can believe it. It feels amazing to know that all my previously existing fears about what I might be like in a relationship are not true. I am not a crazy chick who freaks out when a man shows interest. I am simply a woman, interested in a man, who happens to be interested back. It is some kind of wonderful!
Now, what would I say to someone beginning a similar journey?
To the woman who has faced abuse in her lifetime: Do not be afraid of facing your story. At this point, it is a story. A painful story, one that needs to be faced so that its hold on you can be released and you can find freedom in your life from it. Be courageous my friend. God wants to set you free!
To the man/woman who wants to transform his or her body: One choice at a time my friend. That is what it takes. Don’t be afraid to be selfish with your time. You only have one body to live in in this world and it is up to you to care for it well. It is ok to put yourself in the center of your world for a while, to take time for you. You are worth it.
None of this happens overnight. Not the emotional healing nor the physical transformation. But if you stay in the process, if you don’t give up, one day you will wake up and look around you and the scenery will have changed and you will have been transformed.
Go for it!
To read Kim’s previous post of sexual abuse and healing, click here.