I Found Something!

Alana —  July 16, 2013 — 4 Comments

I’ve been on this winding journey where I go in and out of knowing what I want to do “when I grow up.” In some moments, I excitedly jot down notes or frantically text Josh and my girlfriend Terri saying “I’ve got it! I know what I’m supposed to be doing with my life!” Sometimes that thrill lasts only a couple hours. Then I second guess myself and think “Now, why on earth did I ever feel that was the right direction for me to move?” As a result, I am finding myself at a standstill. And with this standstill, I have moments of intense fear, anxiety and depression. I fear I will always feel stuck. I fear no matter what choice I make, it is going to flop. I fear I may put a lot of effort into a certain move, only to realize it wasn’t a good fit. It is in the moments I feel desperate that I get really scared. I don’t know whether to move or to stay and if I’m supposed to move, I have no idea in what direction.

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To my sixteen-year-old self,

Here you are ten years later with the same kind of feelings you have today. Actually, ten years later you are worse off than you are today because somewhere in the past decade you have accepted the lies of others about what happened, how you feel, and who you are. Let me give you a warning as to what the next ten years will hold for you.

I know you think right now is the worst of it. Sitting wherever you are, feeling completely alone because you spoke up. You feel like it was all a mistake. Believe me, it gets much worse. You will lose yourself and your confidence. It will not be a sudden loss. No, it will be a slow demise of everything you thought was truth. What you are standing against today will cost you everything. You will lose everyone, including yourself.

photo credit: data.whicdn.com

photo credit: data.whicdn.com

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This morning I picked up my phone to scan through the latest photos posted on Instagram. Someone I follow – and strongly admire when it comes to keeping me up-to-date on the latest fashion trends – posted a photo with the caption,

“I picked up a new white girl habit of being addicted to nail polish. This is my cry for help.”

Wait. Is that a thing? I looked down at my hands, and saw my nails painted in a sultry, hot pink. My shoulders dropped and I slowly connected the dots. I’m wearing nail polish. I’m a white girl. If you are white, you can’t wear nail polish. It is uncool. If you wear it, you are uncool. You cannot wear nail polish anymore, or you will be rejected.

photo credit: www.fabfatale.com

photo credit: www.fabfatale.com

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Our Virgin Nightmare

Alana —  May 30, 2013 — 13 Comments

Warning: This post contains graphic sexual references and descriptions.

It was our wedding night, and we were ready. Tonight would be the first time Josh and I had sex. Not just with each other, but… ever. We had waited 24 and 26 years respectively for this day and it finally arrived. And the best part – now it was considered a GOOD THING for us to have intercourse! We had followed the Christian protocol and got married first.

Photo by Matthew Schulert. www.matthewschulert.com

Photo by Matthew Schulert. www.matthewschulert.com

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When Are You Having Kids?

Alana —  May 28, 2013 — 29 Comments

So… when are you guys going to have kids?

That is a question Josh and I are hearing a lot lately. And, rightly so. (I guess??) In September we’ll be celebrating our 7th wedding anniversary and we are now in our early 30’s. So it’s time, right? It is amusing how many people assume we don’t have children because we don’t want them yet, or because we haven’t tried. When I was single, I was cornered by others with an equally unpleasant question, “Why are you still single? I mean, you’re pretty, you’re outgoing. Someone should have snatched you up by now. There’s nothing wrong with you… is there? I don’t get it.” Gee thanks.

photo credit: thebabypicz.com

photo credit: thebabypicz.com

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Life is equal parts brutal and beautiful. And/Both. Life is brutiful. Sharing life’s brutiful is what makes us feel less alone and afraid. – Glennon Doyle Melton

Today marks two full weeks since Josh’s cycling accident. The past two weeks have been brutal. But they have also been beautiful. Here’s why.

The day of Josh’s accident I prayed for his safety – that he would come away from his race that evening without a scratch. When I got word of his accident, I was pissed. I felt betrayed that God would allow the very opposite of what I had prayed for to happen. But then I remembered a different prayer I had prayed that day – and every day for 30 days prior.

"Hey look, I'm Ray Charles." Thank you Vicodin.

“Hey look, I’m Ray Charles.” Thank you Vicodin.

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Life is Brutiful

Alana —  May 8, 2013 — 19 Comments

Life is hard — not because we are doing it wrong, just because it’s hard.

At the hospital, we learned Josh broke his scapula. Apparently this is a very strong bone and it is rare to break. The bone specialist told us it typically takes a car accident strength of impact to break this bone. Josh managed to break it in his fall at the cycling race. The story goes, Josh was in the straight away – the last 100 yards of the race. He was sprinting to the finish, ran out of gas and the cyclist behind plowed into him. Josh lost control of his bike … and, now you know the rest. Broken scapula, and some major road rash down his left leg.

 

carry-on-warrior-250x300

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S*!T Happens

Alana —  May 6, 2013 — Leave a comment

Life is hard — not because we are doing it wrong, just because it’s hard. – Glennon Doyle Melton

A couple weeks ago, I picked up Glennon’s book, Carry On, Warrior: Thoughts on Life Unarmed. In the first few pages of her book she says, “Life is hard — not because we are doing it wrong, just because it’s hard.” I thought it was a great line, so I underlined it, and didn’t think much more of it.

Josh at Grattan Raceway. Summer 2012.

Josh at Grattan Raceway. Summer 2012.

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Dear Sister

Alana —  April 23, 2013 — 4 Comments

Dear Sister,

You are getting married in four days! The reality of how close this is is just beginning to sink in.

I remember when Mom and Dad told me they were pregnant with you. I was 3. I wanted you to be a girl [score!] and I wanted to name you “Margie Lucy”. Margie, because she was my favorite day care provider and Lucy because… well, I just liked that name. Mom and Dad didn’t listen though, [good for them] and soon they brought home a beautiful little girl named “Halsey Leigh”.

sisters2

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“Love” Dust

Alana —  April 15, 2013 — 2 Comments

Why is it that when we pray to God, we put on our ultra churchy and religious voices? It’s kind of a funny thing to experience. Have you ever been at a gathering where Christians are milling about, having normal conversations, speaking in their normal voices? Then one Christian stands up to pray before beginning the service or party and suddenly his voice transforms into a dramatic tone with a hint of James Earl Jones, “Dear Heavenly Father. Jesus, we bless you today. We come to you, humbly to request…”

Josh and Alana 1 Continue Reading…

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