My Double Life

Alana —  January 17, 2013 — 12 Comments

When Johnny broke up with me and never talked to me again, I was devastated. The hardest part was experiencing his rejection and having no closure (that I could actually remember). I continued to drink, but for a brief time calmed down my lifestyle. This was March and fast approaching in May would be a trip I had planned to Seattle. I would be visiting my younger sister who was involved in a discipleship program.



My plan was to visit Halsey in Seattle, then fly to Florida to visit friends before returning home to MI again. Since this was a “double-trip” I packed two types of clothing: My modest-Christian clothes for Seattle and my “hey, sexy lady” clothes for Florida. I also had prepared two versions of “me”. There was the Christian Alana who grew up in a Christian home, sweet, liked to worship, etc. Then there was the other Alana who enjoyed drinking and seducing. One would think this double lifestyle may be exhausting, but by this time I had been living it for two years, so it felt natural to me. I just changed my behavior based on whichever group of friends I would be spending time with.

Jesus friends – talk about what God had been doing in my life lately.
Non-Jesus friends – talk about how awesome the club was last night and the new guys we met.

Although I grew up in a Christian home, I had my suspicions that Halsey was being brainwashed by the Christian community she was part of in Seattle. The intention of my visit was to see her, but also to check on her to make sure she was still thinking clearly.

When I reached Seattle, I was shocked to meet a group of such loving people. I was most affected by the fact that once I shared with some of them the lifestyle I was currently living – they did not reject or shame me. Instead, they embraced me. They showed me love – even when I exposed the REAL ME. This blew my mind. I was quickly overwhelmed by this love and something inside me began to change.

By the third or fourth day of my visit, I felt convicted to return home and change my lifestyle. And this didn’t just mean to start going to church again. This would be a complete life overhaul. I wanted to have larger spheres of influence in peoples’ lives and realized I could not do this and continue to live the way I had been living.

One night, my sister and I sat alone on her bed and just talked. During that conversation, I realized the example I had been to her. I would never want her to get involved in the lifestyle I had created for myself and if I continued to live this way, I would have no authority to advise her not to do the same.

I didn’t want to leave Seattle. I was scared that if I continued my trip as planned and left for Florida, I would go back to my normal life and not change a thing. I cancelled my flight to Florida and chose to stay the balance of my trip in Seattle. The day I would have left for Florida, I got an extreme idea. I’ll share this with you next Thursday.



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Alana Mokma is a storyteller, people connector, and a dancing fool who is passionate about engaging with the people in her life. She embraces vulnerability and possesses mad powers of intuition and observation. Never satisfied with easy answers, she likes to dig deep. Alana resides with her husband Josh in Grand Rapids, MI.
  • Jody Berkey

    Okay, if you’re going to end each post with a cliffhanger, you’re going to have to start posting everyday. 😉

    • Alana Mokma

      LOL! Jody, I’m sorry! This story is soon coming to a close. I will consider that though for the next “longer” story I share. Just think of it like you are watching a tv show that airs once a week. 😉

  • Chad Bulthuis

    “TO BE CONTINUED”? Arghhhhh! Ok. See you next Thursday.

    • Alana Mokma

      lol. You guys… It makes me happy you are trackin’ with the story!

  • Joe Lalonde

    I’m with Jody. It’s not fair!

    But I’m enjoying reading and getting to know you better. Keep it up.

    • Alana Mokma

      Joe, I love that you are following my story! :)

  • Heather Den Houter

    Thanks Alana for opening up and talking about your double life. I love that you’re being transparent and real. You also pull me into your stories. Love it!

    • Alana Mokma

      Heather, thanks for your comment! I am happy to hear the stories pull you in! :) I love being able to share my story here.

  • Halsey

    Yeah, I agree with Jody. I want to know what your extreme idea was!

    • Alana Mokma

      haha. Halsey, you know it. You’ll probably remember when it posts! :)

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  • Mercedesdejesus417

    definitely can’t wait for the next posting ^_^