The first step seems the hardest.
I don’t trust my judgment or my abilities right now. I feel like I’m waiting for someone who is super fabulous, who sees my gifts and amazing talents to come along and pluck me up, out of the crowd. I’m waiting for someone to say, “YOU. I want YOU. You have everything my organization is looking for. I see your potential and I believe in you. I see your abilities to do this [insert awesome thing] and that [awesome thing].” This person would list all the specific reasons I am spectacular and why they could not sleep another night until they knew they had me on their team. They would then invite me into their organization to serve in a role that has the perfect blend of people time and alone time. They would know my talents, and my new responsibilities would come with ease – almost like breathing, so natural.
Regrettably I am snapped back to reality where I have so many interests it is hard to land on just. one. thing. Interior design, fitness, fashion, personalities, reading, writing, learning, analyzing, shopping, philanthropy, body language, music, dance, being vulnerable, speaking, entertaining, deep heart-connecting, inspiring, motivating, activating, improving… sun bathing. It’s all there. All these things that seem disjointed yet somehow connected. Even now as I sit, I fight to analyze and dissect this list until all of its intricacies come to light; until each interest, in all its splendor, displays how it is connected with the others into a majestic tapestry. It’s enough to make me mad and joyful all in the same moment. There’s got to be a larger Dream… how can there not be? It is sad to think it may all be for naught. Just a miss-mash of interests that make up the essence that is… Alana.
How do I sort it out?
Do I need to?
Right now any sort of organizing into a connected whole seems overwhelming. I wish there was a magic machine I could pour all these desires into and what came forth would be one beautiful, cohesive direction. An action. Something to follow and to get me unstuck from the first step that seems so hard.
“Don’t be afraid to start over. It’s a new chance to rebuild things. This time, better. The way you want it. If you’re unhappy with a part of your life, take a leap of faith in yourself and change it. You have the power to do so, no one else does. Complaints get you no where. Action does.”
This is what my girlfriend posted on facebook the other day. It’s a new chance to rebuild things. This time, better. The way you want it. I find this thought taunting yet, inspiring. Start over. A new beginning. Just start. Baby steps. It’s okay if you fall. Just get back up. You are allowed to not be the best. Just try it.
The first step always seems the hardest.