A Day of Doubt & Dreaming

Alana —  January 15, 2014 — 6 Comments

The first step seems the hardest.

The Dream Machine

The Dream Machine

I don’t trust my judgment or my abilities right now. I feel like I’m waiting for someone who is super fabulous, who sees my gifts and amazing talents to come along and pluck me up, out of the crowd. I’m waiting for someone to say, “YOU. I want YOU. You have everything my organization is looking for. I see your potential and I believe in you. I see your abilities to do this [insert awesome thing] and that [awesome thing].” This person would list all the specific reasons I am spectacular and why they could not sleep another night until they knew they had me on their team. They would then invite me into their organization to serve in a role that has the perfect blend of people time and alone time. They would know my talents, and my new responsibilities would come with ease – almost like breathing, so natural.

Regrettably I am snapped back to reality where I have so many interests it is hard to land on just. one. thing. Interior design, fitness, fashion, personalities, reading, writing, learning, analyzing, shopping, philanthropy, body language, music, dance, being vulnerable, speaking, entertaining, deep heart-connecting, inspiring, motivating, activating, improving… sun bathing. It’s all there. All these things that seem disjointed yet somehow connected. Even now as I sit, I fight to analyze and dissect this list until all of its intricacies come to light; until each interest, in all its splendor, displays how it is connected with the others into a majestic tapestry. It’s enough to make me mad and joyful all in the same moment. There’s got to be a larger Dream… how can there not be? It is sad to think it may all be for naught. Just a miss-mash of interests that make up the essence that is… Alana.

How do I sort it out?

Do I need to?

Right now any sort of organizing into a connected whole seems overwhelming. I wish there was a magic machine I could pour all these desires into and what came forth would be one beautiful, cohesive direction. An action. Something to follow and to get me unstuck from the first step that seems so hard.

“Don’t be afraid to start over. It’s a new chance to rebuild things. This time, better. The way you want it. If you’re unhappy with a part of your life, take a leap of faith in yourself and change it. You have the power to do so, no one else does. Complaints get you no where. Action does.”

This is what my girlfriend posted on facebook the other day. It’s a new chance to rebuild things. This time, better. The way you want it. I find this thought taunting yet, inspiring. Start over. A new beginning. Just start. Baby steps. It’s okay if you fall. Just get back up. You are allowed to not be the best. Just try it.

The first step always seems the hardest.

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Alana

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Alana Mokma is a storyteller, people connector, and a dancing fool who is passionate about engaging with the people in her life. She embraces vulnerability and possesses mad powers of intuition and observation. Never satisfied with easy answers, she likes to dig deep. Alana resides with her husband Josh in Grand Rapids, MI.
  • Jenean

    Thanks for sharing your honest doubts. I am always inspired by your posts and your genuine character that I appreciate about you as my friend! It’s not like we don’t all struggle with doubts or fears (as you’ll learn more about me soon;) Giving ourselves grace was a message I already read this morning and now again in your post. We all need it and we all need to extend it to ourselves just as much as to others.

    • Alana Mokma

      Jenean – Yes! Grace is certainly something I continue to struggle with when extending it to myself. I think this word may need to be on my Vision Board to establish top of mind awareness. I read your first article and look forward to reading the second one. I can see how lack of Grace and the presence of fear can snowball into a monster that either paralyzes us or keeps us going, going, going until we are exhausted from busyness.

  • Terri

    So as a person who feels/has felt a lot like you asking the what should I do? and the which way do I go? questions –I have discovered that what works best for me is to turtle inward for a bit. Meaning, I reflect, meditate, ask for guidance, watch for signs and tune into every feeling I have to see if a new interest or possibility “feels” right. Our feelings, and our dreams have ways of telling us what we want to know, but it is hard to hear sometimes when we think too much (about everything). You have the power Alana — it starts with believing in yourself and trusting yourself to truly know what is best for you and–it ends with listening to that inner voice –the one that knows what you really want to do. It might not be what others want you to do, or think you should do — and it may not be as clear and safe as you wish the choice to be –but taking the leap of faith in you is a great big step toward getting your answers. The road to the next thing may not be clear, but the next step can be. Follow your heart — Lead with your Heart — Trust it will all come together. You are on your way …. (So good to see you writing again!)

    • Alana Mokma

      “…It might not be what others want you to do, or think you should do — and it may not be as clear and safe as you wish the choice to be…”

      Agreed! I think what you said above is a couple of the biggest reasons I have felt stuck – once I start to go a direction that feels right for me, someone questions it. Even if they have the best of intentions, their mere concern is enough to freeze me. I like the idea of baby steps – just trying out things here and there that I think I might enjoy. I often stunt my own experience because if I can’t envision it playing out in a major way, I give up and stop doing it although it brings me joy.

      I have yet to come up with a few “themed” words to live by this year, but the words that are coming to mind right now are “Space” “Grace” and “Wonder”.

  • Marcia

    You have talents. plural. That’s awesome! :) I’ve seen them in action.

    • Alana Mokma

      Thanks Marcia! I am beginning to embrace each of these talents and gifts – even since yesterday my brain has been working its magic. ha.